Under the weather

I'm not feeling it lately, I'm sorry. I can't explain it, I just don't feel happy at the moment. I want to do so many things but I either don't have the time or it's the wrong time of the year to do things or something else needs to be done first. I'm planning for 2015 as to me 2014 is already over (meaning planned out and time taken up by various activities). I'm looking for a new hobby but can't find anything which interests me. I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling seriously discontent. I have no reason to feel this way, I just do. Nothing seems right, everything seems to be too much. I'm just not happy.

Well, first step is to recognise my predicament. I have. And I have blamed everyone and -thing for it: my partner for not wanting the same things as I; my job for not fulfilling me; the weather for not helping me with my efforts to create a beautiful luscious garden; my family for not understanding who I am and everybody else for not caring. So does this make me feel better? No! So what to do? There's only one thing which always makes me so happy, I have the feeling my heart bursts out of my chest: taking Hera for a big long walk. Hera, my GSD x Kelpie, is 15-years old and doesn't really enjoy long walks anymore. So we took a short walk to our favourite place just opposite our house where I can see the roos, cows and mountains; a place where I can listen to the birds and think without interruption. 

I was sitting there for a long time - Hera by my side having an occasional stroll and a sniff and then returning to sit with me. While I was thinking of my life and all the things I want to do and feel like I can't do (right now), I sadly realised that there's one person standing in my way: me. My constant strive to perfection, my planning ahead to the minute, my planning in general for everything just drains me and it makes me unhappy. How did this happen? I just started my simple life and changed so many things which made me much happier, why am I feeling unhappy again? What have I missed? 

The truth is, I haven't missed anything, I just never have accepted life as it really is: constant learning, making mistakes, fixing mistakes and making more mistakes. Life isn't perfect - it's not supposed to be perfect and you cannot plan everything. People who have dealt with me before will know that I plan my holidays with an Excel Spreadsheet, they will know that I have a 'cross off days at work' list and then create a list of what to do each day for my R'n'R. And once I'm done with all the planning, I get nervous and I plan further into the future. So here I am in the middle of July 2014 having already planned all of 2015! Not kidding! I love to plan and my lists become longer and longer and less gets crossed off because I'm too busy planning.

Another big fault standing between me and happiness is perfection. Most people will say we should strive to perfection but when perfection stands in the way of actually doing things, it gets too much! My latest example: my new chicken coop. I decided to move the chooks to the cubby house as they're closer and I don't have to move manure across 3 acres anymore. I got a fence build around the cubbyhouse which is right next to the dog kennel. I have given Steve instructions to build me some gardenbeds while I'm at work, so I can plant some green manure when I come back in November and then plant some beautiful veggies in March. Can't wait! The other thing is fitting the interior of the cubby house out to make it chook friendly. I need to consider cleaning, acces for us to collect eggs and to feed and water them, roosts for the night and nesting boxes. So for at least the last 3 months - possibly longer - I've been trying to figure out how to fit the interior of the cubby house out: how hight should I make the roosts? Do they need food and water inside and outside? How can they easily go in and out by themselves without other animals getting in? Can I have nestboxes outside? How much space do they need? 

I mean honestly, how hard can it be? I looked at 100s of plans, blogs and facebook pages and have not found anything useful because I didn't take the information given and translated it to my project. I wanted something to show me exactly what I need to do with my cubby house. Why? Because I wanted it perfect. This is ridiculous! I have to work on me. So I decided to live more in the moment and less in the future. Steve and I are going on a holiday to Tasmania - and I have not planned anything. Steve organised places to visit and accomodation, I only booked the flights. We have another holiday coming up and I will do exactly the same. 

I promise myself that for the rest of this year, I will make no more plans and expect no perfection. I want to become at ease with myself again and do things when they need to be done, not when they're scheduled. I want to be happy again!