Busyness

Hopefully everybody had a nice Easter and ANZAC Day and a bit of a rest during the holidays. I'm back at work now after having been home for 4 weeks. It has been really hard without Quentin around. We had a beautiful ceremony and planted a tree for him to which we added some of his ashes to the soil when we planted it. Quentin has always been in our face. As soon as he heard us when we woke in the morning, he waited at the door to go for his walk. He always waited at the door - so when you went from the front of the house to the back - he was there, first  at the front door, then at the back door. Not having him around anymore makes this place very quiet and a bit sad.

Normally Easter is my favourite time of the year. Over in Germany, it was the time where it slowly got warmer, the trees started to grow leaves again and there was beautiful spring bulbs flowering everywhere. Here in Oz, it's autumn which means the weather starts to be cooler, which is nice after the hot and humid summers we have here in tropical Central Queensland. This year however, I didn't enjoy Easter. To be honest I have not yet enjoyed anything since Quen has passed. I have not gone for a morning walk as it's too hard for Hera to keep up, I have not gone for my afternoon jogs as I just could not bear it without my boy. I have not been to the beach with Hera as it holds too many memories. So what have I've done instead?

Of my 4 weeks off, I spent one week in Brisbane for training. We had a beautiful apartment right in the city with the most amazing views from a spacious balcony. Steve loved it, I was still too numb to feel anything. The course was terrible (but I had to do it for an advancement of my career) and it felt like people were just saying a lot of words without any meaning. I went shopping and bought myself some new clothes as I have lost some weight and am now a size 12/14 instead of the 16/18 of nearly a year ago. But mostly I looked forward to just going home again.

We had some rain of Tropical Cyclone Ita and our place just looks magnificent and so green!!! One morning when I walked back towards the house from the chook pen, I thought to myself  'I still love it here and I don't want to be anywhere else.' I wasn't sure I still would after Quentin was taken so brutally from me. But I do.

When I first arrived back, I cleaned the chook pen. It's always the first and the last thing I do, so Steve doesn't have to do it. I cleaned the house, put everything back in its place and decorated for Easter. After I've been gone for a month, I spent nearly an entire day to clean the house. I know Steve gets the vacuum cleaner and mop out the night before I arrive and since we live in sunny QLD and most windows and doors are open all the time, it gets very dusty. And can you imagine a shower after it hasn't been cleaned for a month? Nevermind, I enjoy this first clean when I come home and enjoy our beautiful home.

I also planted my autumn veggie garden but more about that another time. For the month of April, the plan was to spring clean the kitchen and I did a cupboard a day. But since our laundry has turned into a back entry which was finished while I was away, I spring cleaned that too and cleaned all of my shoes (I don't have very many at all luckily).

One Saturday, I did my weekly house cleaning, spring cleaned all top cupboards in the kitchen - which is challenging for me as I can't even reach the top back corner when I'm on top of a ladder - washed, cleaned the birds, washed the dog and the did the entire bottom half of the yard (approximately an acre and a bit) with the hand mower - all before 5 pm. I then showered, cooked, ate, washed up and tidied the kitchen. Steve was scared. He 'only' mowed the remaining 2.5 acres on a ride on and he was buggered. He asked me where I got all the energy from. I didn't know but I slept well!

The I thought about my life a bit more. Since I have started a simple life, I have become busier and a real homebody. Don't get me wrong I always enjoyed being at home and I always enjoyed being on my own but it has become more severe in recent month. I have started to stockpile to to preserve and I only have been to the shops twice during my 4 weeks - once to the Sunday Farmer's market and once to the Supermarket to get some dairy and new soap bars to make my cleaners. So why is it that I'm always so busy???

I reserved myself a day of doing nothing. Of course there's always things I have to do like feeding and watering the animals, cooking, washing up etc but other than that, I didn't do anything. I moved around our many places to sit and read, had a snooze and just enjoyed the view. I also thought a lot.

I came to a conclusion:

I actually enjoy cleaning and tidying. I have a job where I have to be on the ball and think all the time. My decisions can cost the company millions of $$$, not to speak of implications to schedule and legal liability to uphold other contracts as well as their obligations and commitments Government Regulators. While at work, I cannot stop thinking - ever. I do major projects, so my job never lasts forever but while it lasts it's very intense. I enjoy this and can't imagine doing anything else but it's exhausting. Cleaning is my form of relaxing. I don't have to think. I just do my tasks, listening to music and think of nothing at all. Actually, while I clean is the only time I can ever think of nothing at all. I have not mastered the skill of not doing and not thinking at the same time yet. I will have to start thinking about it...